Having been perpetually single for most of my life, I've always wondered how relationships even start. When I had -finally!- experienced the start of a relationship, I was left wondering how relationships ended. I was hoping I would never have to find out, because my relationship -at the time- was the best thing that had ever happened to me.
(!) Spoiler alert, I found out how relationships ended too… I was in a very dark place for a good couple of weeks. During this time, I wondered how people got over soul-crushing breakups. This was the toughest one to figure out. All that is left now, is finding out how to start a new, healthy relationship with all these experiences in the back of my head.
Laying out the facts: I am someone who tends to over-analyze things. I’m well aware that this is one of my strongest and weakest qualities at the same time. It made me scientifically approach love, which is also good and bad at the same time. I’m not here to tell you how best to approach love; I am here to tell you what I found out. Let’s start at the beginning.
The Start of a Relationship
There’s a reason why all relationships are the best in the first few months. The other person is new! Even if you've known this person for a long time, this side of them, and being in a relationship with them, is new to you. There is so much to find out about each other, and this mutual curiosity, combined with the effort the both of you put in to be liked by the other gives you guys the well-known, neurochemically-induced, ‘rose-colored glasses’ and everything you see through it is beautiful. Research shows that at this stage of the relationship, partners actually overestimate their similarities and idealize each other.
Time will pass, and you will start to notice the imperfections and less desired qualities of the other person. At this point you can look at your partner through ‘realistic glasses’, through which you see both the good and the bad, and you have to decide whether or not you like what you've got...
Evolutionarily speaking, humans have only recently started growing as old as we do (in the last 100 years, give or take), which explains why we might actually not be equipped to make decisions of this magnitude. We’re talking about a life-altering, 60-years commitment.
And it’s not only about the duration of the commitment. By choosing a partner, we choose the person who will influence our children the most, the one with whom we will spend most of our free time with, will have thousands of dinners with, millions of conversations with and, hopefully, will sit out our retirement with.
This might put a bit of pressure on the decision, and therefore invoke a magnifying glass on all the imperfections we see in each other. It sadly makes it harder for us to like what we’ve got...
Relationship Doubts
What people tend to do when they are doubting their relationship is interesting to observe. We see them confuse how well they know each other with how much they love each other. Knowing someone inside and out creates an emotional connection so strong, that most people cannot think of giving it up. In a healthy relationship, this is beautiful. In a bad relationship, it is everything but.
Some let fear make the decision for them. This can go both directions. People stay together because they fear being alone, or break up because they fear the long commitment.
But guys… Humans want to base their decisions on good reasoning and evidence. Our brain knows that staying together or breaking up for the reasons I mentioned above... are based on everything but good reasoning or evidence! You cannot apply logics to love. And it will drive you insane.
So what can we do? Can (should?) we approach this scientifically?
Comparing your relationship to relationships of the people around you doesn't get you anywhere; all relationships look better from the outside and the only people who really know what’s going on exactly in any relationship are the people in it..
So... What to do when you are in doubt? Should you stay with the person you're with? All I know, is that every relationship has good and bad parts. When you focus on the negative aspects, you tend to want to break up, and when you focus on the good parts, you tend to want to stay together.
A voice pops up in the back of your head, saying: “OK, so every relationship has good and bad parts. I should stay, because it’s really all about acceptance and compromise”. True, but then again, how can you tell it's not just you, talking yourself into settling for the wrong person?
Arrrghhh, what a mess! Why can’t this be easier?! Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you felt stuck? It’s probably because you cannot make a decision. Your lack of evidence and experience will result in the constant second-guessing of yourself. And that, my dear readers, costs an insane amount of energy.
The End of a Relationship
Luckily, we are not lost. There is one thing that can help us make a decision. Because there is one thing we all forget in the chaos of over-thinking and Tim Urban reminds us of it:
There are many things we want (and don’t want) from a relationship, but our happiness and the healthiness of our relationships only depend on a few of them.
He is talking about so-called deal-breakers. Deal-breakers are things that are guaranteed to make you miserable if they are part of the relationship. To find your own unique deal-breakers, you will just have to complete the following sentence:
“I could never be happy with someone who ___”.
In my case, examples of deal-breakers are: “I could never be happy with someone who does not have my back”, “I could never be happy with someone who does not accept me one hundred percent”, “I could never be happy with someone who is not intellectually curious” , “I could never be happy with someone who is homophobic” and “I could never be happy with someone who doesn't want kids”.
I guess that in any relationship, there needs to be (space to) compromise. You need to be willing and able to move and grow with your partner. But when you are with someone who makes you compromise on deal-breakers, you are guaranteed to end up unhappy.
Young couples are often plagued by differences in core values. It’s only logical, because when we are in our twenties, we are often still figuring out who we are and refining our lifestyle choices/preferences.
Unfortunately, this has also applied to me. You see, I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time I met my ex; I just happened to stumble upon this incredible person and all I noticed (through my rose colored glasses?) was how happy I was, and how great we seemed together. However, I had not figured out yet what I wanted in life, or thought about what my deal-breakers would be.
As time passed, I felt that there was something wrong in my relationship, but I could not put my finger on it. Before, I couldn't believe how perfect we were, but now I noticed things about our relationship that I didn't like. I started confusing little things for deal-breakers, and deal-breakers for little things.
Near the end of my relationship, me and my ex had so many fights, that even on a good day I often dreaded the calm before the storm - knowing that it was only a matter of time before our next conflict. Nothing came easy anymore. When we talked, I would carefully pick my words to avoid any topics that had led to arguments in the past. It made me tired. I hate to admit that I stopped being interested in things he had to say. I stopped asking questions. I had a hard time falling asleep when he was laying next to me.
You see, a lot of breakups are not a result of incompatibility, but the result of both partners having allowed the relationship to deteriorate. Psychologist Thomas Bradbury comes with a good metaphor: "It's like when your car breaks down, and you’re on the side of the road saying: 'It suddenly stopped working'— but actually, you haven't changed the oil in 10 years."
Maybe me and my ex weren't compatible. Maybe there were (hidden) deal-breakers involved. Maybe the both of us had stopped attending to the relationship... Whichever it was, when it got to the point where the relationship started draining my battery instead of filling it up, and I had absolutely no energy left, I decided to end things...
Surviving (and getting over) a Breakup
At that time, I didn't want to break up. I did it because I had to. When we were having "the talk", every bone in my body was still hoping he would fight for me. I wished he would suggest an alternative, even though I couldn't come up with one myself. Instead, his response was, however painful, a sign that it was a good thing. His words: "It was kind of inevitable...". He must have been feeling miserable too... Nonetheless, this rather quick acceptance of the end of our relationship confirmed my doubts. My heart shattered into a million pieces.
Weeks passed. I had trouble eating. Every bite felt like a three-course menu. I lost weight, I cried, drove my friends and family crazy talking about the break-up… I forgot what was even bothering me in the relationship. Was it that bad? Did we really fight that often? Was I really that tired in the end?
My body ached physically, and I took that as a sign that I had made a big mistake. I convinced myself I screwed up the best relationship I would ever have. I thought I would never ever, ever love like that again.
Turns out that these thoughts are very common after a break-up. Research showed that the part of the brain that is usually associated with physical pain lights up when people look at pictures of their ex. This made me realize that I didn't make a mistake; it’s just biology.
Maybe it's only fair that the brains of the heartsick resemble the brains of those experiencing cocaine withdrawal, given that being in love feels like you're on drugs.
My mum reminded me of something important: The pain you're feeling in this stage of the breakup, are growing pains. Or at least, they should be. The pain you're experiencing is a sign that it is time to look back on the relationship and figure out what you can learn from it. Maybe you finally find out what the hidden deal-breaker was. Or maybe you will learn how to be a better partner, a better human. It doesn't really matter, all that matters is that you are now in a perfect position to learn something about you.
They say the pain will go away with time. But who cares. Right after a breakup, time is sooo not on your side! A 2008 study has a suggestion as to why it takes time to heal. People in long-term relationships tend to regulate each others biological systems. The loss of this co-regulation (aka a breakup) can throw one’s entire physiology out of whack. Whereas talking about the breakup can help speed the healing process mentally, no amount of good reasoning can fix your disrupted physiology. So moving on is not only a mental exercise; it’s also a physical one.
On the bright side, another study showed that people tend to overestimate how long the healing process will take. After you've stopped hating time for not being on your side, you find yourself thinking less and less about your ex. At some point, you can envision your future, without your ex in it, and be okay with it. Nice. Time is on your side again.
In 3-5% of break-ups, people get back together. Several studies found that couples in less committed relationships were less likely to get back together again than couples who were living together or who were married. Some try to make it work because it’s better than the alternative ('having nothing'), others, if they are really lucky, end up back together because it’s meant to be. But for most of us, life goes on.
Being On Your Own
So how can you tell you’re ready to start a new relationship? My two cents: you’re ready for new love when being on your own feels good.
When you've been in a relationship for ___ years, you get used to never being alone. There has always been someone there for you, holding your hand through tough times. There was always someone who helped you make important decisions. This particular someone influenced deeply how you envisioned your future… So… When you’re on your own again, of course (!) it leaves a huge gap in your daily life! And this gap can be really in your face, all the time. In my case, simply looking at my phone would really upset me: because I noticed there were significantly fewer texts coming in..
But guys, you have to realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. You were fine before the relationship, and you will be fine again. You just have to remember (or figure out again) who you are.
You should never push yourself to do things before you're ready "just to show your ex" or prove to yourself (!) that you're fine. Wait patiently for the dust of the break-up to settle. Try to feel comfortable in your own skin again. When you feel like you can offer your strengths again to someone, instead of having an urge to have a partner fix your weaknesses... That is, I think, a great time to get back out there.
I was watching a show the other day and it handed me some advice that really stayed with me ever since. It said that you should try to love yourself 100% the way you are, before starting a (new) relationship. I've heard this sentence a millions times before, but this show brilliantly explained the logic behind it: when you love yourself 100% first, you won't settle for someone who loves you less than that. It makes sense: when you love yourself for only 20%, and someone comes along who loves 40% of who you are, you can look at that person thinking “bwoahhh, THAT is a LOT!”, but they don’t even love half of who you are. When you love yourself 100%, someone has to go above and beyond for you, and that is something that everybody deserves. I’m not saying that people shouldn't work on self-improvement. I’m well aware, and you should be too, that everyone has flaws. Nevertheless, you should not have to spend your life being criticized for them. In a relationship, you have to realize what your partner’s flaws are, and know that they are part of the human you willingly choose to spend your life with.
This advice came from Daniel Sloss, a Scottish comedian. I recommend watching his show “Jigsaw”. It’s on Netflix. Within four months after airing in September 2018, his show caused 17.000+ break ups, 65 canceled engagements and 70 divorces. He claims not to break up true love, but to fix bad relationships. By ending them.
He also mentioned the secret to a long and happy relationship: “There is none!”. According to Sloss, being together should be as easy as breathing. Through good times and bad, being with your partner should feel like unquestionable, common sense. I think this is valuable advice.
Because did you notice how analytical I was when I wrote about “how can you tell if you need to break up or stay together” ? Evolutionarily speaking this, good-parts-versus-bad-parts that.. Compromise, deal-breakers… YES, there is truth to all that... But maybe, when you are in a good relationship with someone, these are things you won’t ever (have to) think about! Maybe there should be no doubt. And you should especially not have to doubt whether you love your partner, or whether your partner loves you.
“Because doubt is no flower. Doubt is a weed. It needs no water.” It starts small, something you think about just one time.. And before you know it, it has devoured you, and you are depressed.
Not everyone agrees that it should be easy. According to clinical psychologist Christine Meinecke, when the 'disenchantment' of the honeymoon phase sets in, all you focus on are the differences between you and your partner. She says that every relationship goes through it. Her advice: we are "ever-changing people", which is why relationships should "continuously evolve to fit these ever-changing circumstances".
So, this is it guys. Everything I know about relationships and heartbreaks. Once again, I don't claim to know whether relationships are supposed to be easy or hard work. I just hope you found comfort in relating to some of this stuff, learned some new perspectives or found pleasure in getting to know me better.
To end this post, here is the biggest lesson I've learned from all of this: I don't necessarily need my next relationship to be rainbows and cupcakes every day. But I do want to be glad, every day of the week, that I am in it - with a fully charged battery !
Sources:
In this article I combined my personal experience with scientific study results, expert opinions, advise & personal experiences of friends and family, and other articles I've read.
http://marriage.psych.ucla.edu/publications.html
https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/how-we-choose-a-partner/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201201/are-you-the-right-mate
https://www.waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html
http://www.everybodymarriesthewrongperson.com/
https://www.thisisinsider.com/what-not-to-do-after-a-breakup-2018-7
https://www.themodernman.com/blog/breaking-up-and-getting-back-together-statistics.html
https://www.waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html
https://www.pnas.org/content/108/15/6270.full
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18453476
http://www.hypnosisbyfrederique.com/highlove.htm
http://www.faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/ForecastingPageProofs8-14-07.pdf